Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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