wat bout pragnant strippers??
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
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Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
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I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.