I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???