I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
