I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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