i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
