How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
