Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
