If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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