i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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