did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She made me pour olive oil on her.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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