Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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