can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
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