The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
