I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
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Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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