Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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