oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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