ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
