I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
