I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
