you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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