The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
