I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
