This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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