Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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