my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
