My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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