"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
