That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
