I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework