what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule