ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
