1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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