Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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