i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
