apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
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I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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