I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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