my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She bit a glass in half.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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