I can't watch pbs sober anymore
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
