I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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