Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
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I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
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We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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