Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just high enough for therapy.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
