Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
