there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
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I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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