Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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