he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
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i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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