Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
