If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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