did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
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