Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
