I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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