cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
