I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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