I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize