Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
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I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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