Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
