dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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