just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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