Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
