The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
