My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My vagina is officially offended.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize